in praise of secrecy

I have to find my private places, where I can find my strength, where I can sit quietly with myself and search for answers, where I can try to make healthy choices and do productive work. I have not had the kind of private place in a long, long time, and the lack of it has wrecked me. It might even be too late to turn around and discover it now. I don't know. I've lost myself along the way and now need to find myself again, if there's anything left to find, anything worth finding. Hard to say.

My anxiety is cold hard knot in my stomach. So many things to do, so little time to do them. Time ticking obscenely, second by second, as my life drifts away and everything falls to ruin. That's how I feel right now. Wrecked and ruined. Lost. Adrift. Rudderless. There must be a way to fight through this darkness into something better.

I have to try to find a way. Away.

stuff happens

everyday, but so little of it is caught, recorded, documented in any way. Just memory, encoded on nerve cells, haunting the synapses. Too much work for one poor brain, and no backup. Gone is gone. So I should try a little harder to catch some of the vibrant life that runs through us, or that we run through, or whatever. Just us, a family, caught up in something.

Just heard back from NKU and there are still open spots in Astronomy Camp for Owen. He will probably love that. He has a fascination, come by honestly from me, for all things astronomical. This should be fun. Poor Emily won't get to go, since this is for 6-8 graders. I'll have to keep me eye out for something for her.

Baby Ursula grabbing her toes. Cooing. Making things approaching syllables. Woo woo.

Roby just getting bigger and bigger each day. Smart little guy. He loves to go anywhere I go. My little traveling buddy. My Sancho Panza. My Robin.